My Birthday

Hmmn… whenever I get near to my birthday, I start feeling very edgy. I get a feeling that I need to run away somewhere, or hide myself in a corner, and wish no one remembers this date.
I know my parents n my bro will remember it, and so will a very few but close people – but can’t they forget it somehow!!

I don’t know why I hate my birthdays so much, may be because I grew up knowing that it was a big mistake that I was born after all. Everyone has stories in their life, so do I. So what? I don’t need to romanticize that now; at this age!

But may be I never really understood who I am… Am I the grown up, big girl who wants so desperately to get back her childhood? Or, am I someone who is already tired of the iron mask on her face put on to fit into the civilized world? Am I the daughter, or the sister? The business woman? Or the wanna be writer who writes random thoughts and calls them poem? Am I the person who shifted 6 cities in 10 years ? or am I the one who wants to build a small home in a small village on the snow-clad hills? Am I the one who crave for love? Or am I the one who ignores love as a useless accessory?

Who am I? Who is Chandramukhee? Is she for real? Or she is just an alter ego of someone else?

Hell! No! I am sounding confused, man! How can I sound so lost? Am not the brave woman of today who can face all challenges in life and not ask for any help? Then? I will again cut my birthday cake, blow off the candle , party all night and say “Thank You” to whoever wishes me well… what the hell! Am I becoming the person I am wearing the mask of???

Just call it quit!

Memoirs of my Bangladesh trip is yet to be shared; while my mind is full of stories and happy and delightful experiences from there, I am just too occupied to gather myself together for the time required to pen down those thoughts. Not good!

However, there is something that has suddenly forced me to take up my pen, sorry the key board, and use them for my very personal purpose.

How do we feel when we lose something dear to our heart? Painful will be too mild a word to even begin to describe our feelings. And when we lose something in spite of our best intention of keeping them with us or making ourselves available around these things - it might end up giving us a sense of shock or disbelieve.

Take for example friends. Sometimes we end up giving so much to a friend and then suddenly one fine day, we realize that our relationship was too fragile to last even a commotion in our noisy, day 2 day life. It gets us wonder whether it was friendship in the first place! Friends are supposed to be there irrespective of what or how we are and how vigorously we might fight over some non issue!

Or, maybe there are selfish motives behind this sudden fragility of the relation – it now requires the relation to be over.At least for me, it makes me suspicious of myself - of my capabilities to be a friend, to hold on to a relation, or to my inabilities to understand the basic human character.

Can we love someone so much that we end up hating them? Is the reverse possible? Can we just not care about something at all and then end up loathing them like hell as well? Why everything has to be so negative? Why everything tends to end with a failure.

Yes, there is always a cause-and-effect relationship for everything, but then who decides what’s the cause and if that’s the justified effect?

Someone very dear to me is causing me hurt, he made me shed tears and feel helpless. I was very sad when it first happened. Then I grew confused. Now I am quite sure why he is doing this.

Dear friend, you just had to tell me “Shut up! And Go!”. There were no needs for this long foreplay to push me away!

But, anyway, whatever …

Home Sweet Home!

I reached Bangalore on thursday morning, and when i opened my laptop to check my emails, I had a message from reliance telecom in my replicator, it said - "welcome home!" Yes! thats exactly the feeling i got when I stepped down from the bus this cool thursday morning. For the next couple of days I walked around the places I used to frequent while staying here, caught up with some friends, went to the familiar bar lounge, did some road-side shopping at the Brigade Road...

Yesterday, I was supposed to go out for dinner with an old friend of mine, but it got cancelled at the last moment. So, instead, I took a stroll along the 12th Main toward the CMH Road side. And then I got back the same feeling that most often than not I used to get in such similar lonely afternoon when I had no one to meet, see, talk or just walk with... for the last 10 years... in Pune, Chennai, Bangalore, and in Delhi; the feeling of not belonging to anyone or anything, a feeling of not being able to touch those seemingly dormant feelings lying scattered somewhere around your heart. I was alone, lonely and I was sad.

I have now moved to Kolkata, to my home, to my roots. Its hot and humid there, its too many people on road, its too chaotic, and still alone, but what the hell! I am no more lonely; and I am no more sad. Thats my home, sweet, home.

I get a feeling that I needed this fall back cushion before I leap on to my next adventure and a new destination.

Jai Ho!

My love story

You know,

I fell in love with you the first time I saw you,
The first time you walked up to me and handed over your thoughts
The first time you smiled and borrowed my painting brush
The first time you sat on the floor and looked at me and smiled
The first time you called my name and shook my hand
The first time you poured me a glass of water and shared your lunch
The first time you fought with me and swore never to turn back
The first time you kissed your girlfriend and thought of me in your mind…

I remember,

The first time you touched my lips with your fingers
The first time you kissed my forehead
The first time you bought me the daisies
The first time you hold my hand

And,

The first time I knew what you meant
The first time I saw a dream
The first time I smiled when I cried
The first time you made me live.

Then,

The first time you walked away from me
The first time you hurt my soul
The first time you made me cry
The first time you left me all alone

The first time you laughed when I was blue
The first time you cared less when I was sick
The first time you shut your doors on me.
And the first time you made me think…

Each time I skipped a beat in my heart
And lost my words to say…
Though you will remain in my heart forever
The time has drifted away.
The first time since we met…