The Conditions of Unconditional Love

Something was bothering me for a while…it was one of those nagging thoughts at the back of your minds on which u just cant put a finger…I was irritated, annoyed and upset.

Then I happened to read the post of my dear friend Shanu, more comfortable as the Memory Man, and I instantly knew what it was…

Unconditional Love or may be the Myth of Unconditional Love.

I must agree that my dear friend has come up with a very original thinking; and I am really impressed with him.

However, I think I need to share my thoughts as well.

All relations that one experiences in one’s life are based on selfish needs. And let me be very frank, that this includes the relationship between the mother, the son, the father, the daughter, the husband n wife, lovers, etc. (The only relation that is not purely selfish even today is the relation between two friends and as I understand its more of unconditional faith between them and less unconditional love.)

I will give some examples.

The mother gives the best food to that child who she thinks will be more successful in life and will look after her. The son thinks of looking after his mother when he thinks that his mother has taken care of him as per his ‘believed minimum’ standards.

The husband, who married his childhood sweetheart after defying his parents, doesn’t want to live with her anymore, because she is no more what she used to be before marriage – now she is more successful and earns better salary.

The girl in love doesn’t want her boyfriend to meet his other friends…and threats that she will leave if he meets them, because she wants his full time attention.

So, when the basis of each relation is selfishness, how can there be unconditional love!


Now back to my own nagging thoughts.

Last few months have been very difficult for me – emotionally, physically and monetarily. And during these days – I have seen people stand by me / walk past indifferently or, even making merry at my problems. And sadly, the last two categories filled up the entire pie chart. The miniscule proportion which represents “stood by me” is the very few friends who showed unconditional faith, support and encouragement.

To most of them, I could give nothing in return…only wishing for them happiness and luck for their life. I know, these are “wishful” wishes, and I can only hope that I can also stand by them in case they ever need me so sometimes in future…

So, where are those so called “made in heaven” relationships? Those people who are “expected” to stand by you? People for whom you are not supposed to raise your eyebrows and are thought to be around you - to lean back at the difficult times of life?


Let’s get back to basics – There is no unconditional relationship, no unconditional love, no unconditional giving. It’s all conditional give-n-take – the transactions that we do or negotiate to strive through life. Why not then break the “Myth” of unconditional blah, blah, blah…and save ourselves from all related sufferings?

Life is lost...

Everyday morning I get up at 6.30 am. The first thing that I do once I leave my bed is to switch on the geyser. Then I slowly move towards the kitchen put some water on boil and prepare my cup of tea…trying to kick myself to complete awakeness…

By 7:35 I get ready, grab my breakfast, lock the door and rush towards the bus stop…I need to get into the 7.45 bus to reach my office on time on a week day; on Saturdays, I can have the leisure of choosing between the 8:10 or the 8:30 bus! (I can’t complain though – its one of those few Volvo buses who do us the honor of picking us up whenever they feel so)

By the time I get back home after the entire day’s ordeal it’s almost 9:45 at night. Now I need to prepare my dinner, wash my clothes left in the morning and then with a book at my side, I plunge in to my bed…the book at most times, remain untouched.

Saturdays are fun! I go to the shop – to buy my weekly rations of milk, cornflakes, bread, fruits and any other thing that grabs my fancy for the moment. I hurry back, fix myself a drink or two, watch a movie on the television, make some dinner for myself (the quick fix types) and feeling euphoric to finish one more week in life go for an unhurried sleep to welcome the Sunday.

So, what’s wrong with this? Nothing if you look from the surface. I have no family to take care of, no rules to play by, or no one to ask me questions…I am the Boss of my life.

Or am I?

But then, I don’t have any friends, I don’t get time to indulge in any of my passions, I hardly travel to other places any more and I don’t have any body to talk to once I open my door to my house everyday at night. I know I am saving my life by not talking much during the day, but I am killing myself with loneliness otherwise…

The other day a long-distance friend asked me a strange question “Susmita, are you happy?” It made me thinking. Though my answer to him was “Happiness is a state of mind, and so whenever I can condition my mind to happiness I am happy”; but it’s not entirely true…we need the right recipe to condition ourselves to happiness also!

It’s a major dilemma in life. The life I lead is chosen by me and I don’t complain. And I know like me there are many other men n women who are confused with their life and about its meaning. But the hitch remains…the sleep is not undisturbed, the mornings not inviting and meaning to live still lost somewhere in the chaos of life’s circus.