My brother and I are very close. Though he is just about 3
years younger than me, I always cared for him as my child. I still do. He is
the most important person in my life. Imagine what happens when I suddenly get
a call from him on a late December evening that he has been diagnosed with
cancer! Cancer! Something that I thought happened to others sadly, but now has
entered my house as a very unwelcome guest! I have just lost my father; my
mother is suffering from severe PTSD because of that and now this! I didn't
have time to think. I booked the morning flight, packed my suitcase and landed
in Kolkata the next morning. It was 28th of December 2022.
On 2nd of Jan we visited 3 hospitals, and had met 3 different panels of
doctors. Ultimately we decided to start the treatment at Tata Medical Centre at
Rajarhat Kolkata. My brother was rushed through a series of tests over the week
and he was then admitted to the hospital on 12th Jan, for the surgery on 13th.
His doctor pushed up his schedule to accommodate him.
On 13th Jan, my brother was taken for surgery at 9 AM. We were told that it
would be a 2 & half hour surgery, but it took them close to 4 & half
hour. When he was wheeled out of the OR I caught a glimpse of him. I had never
seen him in this kind of pain.
Immediately he was moved to HDU. His oxygen saturation level was fluctuating,
bile was coming up to his feeding pipe and he couldn't be given strong pain
medicine because of some complications. When I met him in the afternoon for few
minutes, he hold my hand and said "Didi, I don't think I can bear this
pain. I want to see Babu." My heart broke and sank at the same time.
After 4 days in HDU he was shifted to a cabin, but he was still being fed
intravenously because of the bile problem. Doctors were confused. They started
thinking other invasive treatments (read operation) if the problem persists
longer.
Fortunately, it improved and in the next couple of days he slowly started
feeding by mouth - first just water and then completely mashed food.
On 22nd Jan my brother was released from hospital. The surgery was successful
but we still didn't know if he is out of the woods. Our first appointment post
surgery was scheduled after 2 weeks and there he was told that he is now good
to go back to normal life slowly. He was doing well. We didn't yet celebrate,
but I saw my brother smile after a long long time.
This entire experience taught me a few important lessons:
1. If you are in Kolkata and due to some unfortunate draw of straw either you
or someone in your family is diagnosed with cancer, straight away go to Tata
Medical. They are the best cancer hospital in town, with empathetic and very
professional doctors and they are cheap.
2. Invest in a medical insurance, now! My brother has one and so were saved of the
additional burden of arranging the money.
3. The saying - Friend in need is friend indeed, is so so true!
We were not sharing this with anybody until my brother felt comfortable and he
did it himself. A few of our closest family members stood with us, providing
mental support which was all we needed at that time. Family who were either
older or away called me and checked with me regularly. A couple of friends
stood with me quietly. Some visited us
at the hospital, some at our home once my brother returned home. My cousin Rinki spent a night with me at the
hospital. Debashis, my brother’s colleague at work, spent several nights and
spent time looking after my mom, who was alone at home unwell .
I thank them from the bottom of my heart.
3. A few of those people who call themselves my friends, completely vanished
once they heard this. They. Just. Vanished. As of now, they have not even once
called me to find out how my brother is doing. One of them messaged me saying
he will be there on the day of surgery. But he never came. Imagine my fear and
state of mind when my brother was inside OR and I was almost all alone in the
hospital other than an office staff and a neighbour with me. When I asked him
later in the day why he didn't come, very casually he said "I woke up late
and therefore didn't take the trouble to visit".
Later on, I experienced similar staff the moment I uttered the word
"cancer." I even read in a few places that if someone has cancer,
other people think of it as a transferable disease and are scared. (Really? Tear off your educational degrees!)
Or, they don't know what to say, how to soothe, how to manage. But is that the right way to deal?
As a family member who went through a state of nightmare, let me tell you what
we – the patient and the family - need. Mental support. That's all.
The patient needs to feel positive that he/she will come
back better from the hospital and the families need to feel that they are not
alone; and if the surgery is taking more time than usual, they have someone's
hand to hold for assurance. That's all.
So, don't behave like cowards. Don't run away. Don't just vanish.
To my so called “friends” who forgot what friendship means when I needed it the most, let me tell you just this – now that I know you WHAT you are, I absolutely believe I deserve better.
PS: If you know someone who is battling cancer, please connect me with them. I promise to lend them my ear, shoulder and arms, if I can’t do anything else.
